ARVIND DILAWAR

Writer, Editor, Somewhat Useless

Scene Report: Queens, New York

Queens doesn’t get a lot of recognition. It doesn’t have the glamor of Manhattan, the hipster appeal of Brooklyn, the shit-hole charm of the Bronx nor the ability to inspire visceral hatred like Staten Island. In most instances, “goyim” (a derogatory term secretly used by all Queens residents to refer to outsiders) only venture as far as Long Island City to check out 5 Pointz or P.S. 1 during the summer. But that’s just foreplay; at that point, you’re only touching Queens’ tits.

Here are 11 things to help you lose your Queens virginity:

Long Island City (L.I.C.)


1. Cityscapes (2700 Queens Plaza South)
Unlike pricey strip clubs in the City that are stocked full of generic blonds, the cluster of strip bars under the Queensborough Bridge are full of mongrel 10s. Cityscapes is a great because, although the strippers will initially ignore you for not making it rain, they’ll come back once the place starts emptying out. The night basically turns into shooting the shit with a hot Blasian girl who happens to be naked.

Sunnyside


2. Sunnyside Center Cinema (4217 Queens Boulevard)
Your typical movie theater — except that tickets are only $4 on Tuesdays. Great place to go with a date if you’re broke or just cheap. Also a great place to go with a bottle of vodka to pre-game before heading into the City or, in this case, go deeper into Queens.


3. The Brogue (4910 Skillman Ave)
Most of the bars in Queens are either shitty Mexican hole-in-the-walls or generic Irish pubs. The former are full of old Mexican men harassing ugly, miniskirt-clad waitresses — both of whom will make fun of your gringo ass, so just skip it and head to an Irish joint. These are similarly full of old men, but the bartenders tend to be young, funny, fresh-off-the-boat lasses who can drink you under the table. The Brogue is great because the beer there is cheap, there’s a pool table, they have free karaoke on Saturday nights and once it’s late, they let you smoke inside and put on your iPod.


4. “Hot Bagel,” or Dave’s Bagels and Grill (4320 Queens Boulevard)
Part late-night munchies Mecca, part street-fighting arena, Dave’s Bagels and Grill — locally known as “Hot Bagel” — is where you want to head after a pitcher or six at the Brogue. From breakfast to sandwiches, anything your drunk / stoned self craves will be made quickly and cheaply by Hot Bagel’s sole employee. After you get your order, just sit back and enjoy the show. Last time I was there two wasted white kids almost got stabbed by a belligerent Hispanic mini-thug. The time before that, my girlfriend shoved a drunken Mexican midget clear across the store. Don’t worry though, if things get too crazy the lone employee will break it up with his trusty broom.

Astoria


5. Salvation Army Thrift Store (3402 Steinway Street)
Hipsters like shit like this, right?


6. Hookah Bars (25th to 30th Avenue on Steinway Street)
Why pay $20 for a hookah in the City just to be surrounded by kids who are too young to get into real bars and too fucking lame to get fake IDs? Do you hate yourself that much? There’s a strip of hookah bars in Astoria that charge only, like, $5 a hookah and all the other customers are too busy watching Al Jazeera and hating Jews to bother you. The only exception is that if you’re a chick in the Arab Community Center, you should expect the sleazy owner to offer you “free” hash.

Jackson Heights


7. Veracruz Foods (9526 Roosevelt Avenue)
Despite what yuppies think, eating in Manhattan sucks. If you’re made of money, I suppose the City isn’t a bad place choice. If you don’t mind being crammed elbow to groin with every other hungry bastard who’s too poor for Manhattan, then Brooklyn’s fine. If you want some great, cheap food sans claustrophobia, go to Queens. Veracruz Foods is a random Mexican joint where the food is cooked by somebody’s Mexican mom and the waitresses all have to wear red miniskirts and black high heels. It’s legit.


8. Kabab King Diner (7301 37th Road)
People who aren’t from Queens recommend the Jackson Diner as a great place to get “authentic” Indian food. In actuality, it’s overpriced and full of white people. So skip it and head around the corner to Kabab King. The second floor is the family area, complete with buffet and hairy Indian mothers screaming at their children. I recommend the first floor, which has a dingy kitchen, cramped seating area and counter where you can order a la carte. You might have to yell a bit about INS and Homeland Security to get through the crowd of Paki cab drivers, but it’s worth it.


9. NYPD Mobile Observation Tower (Junction Boulevard and 35th Avenue)
Although Queens is a relatively safe borough, there are a few really hood areas. But don’t worry, New York’s Finest are working on it. Here we see part one of the NYPD’s final solution to deal with trouble in the ghetto. Part two is the distribution of special badges for residents. Rumors are that part three involves some kind of public showering facility.

Flushing


10. “The Cheap Bun Shop,” or … I don’t know, I can’t read Chinese (13382 41st Ave)
Main Street in Flushing is full of Chinks and, strangely, really ghetto black guys. They might be there for the pussy, but it doesn’t work. Asian chicks have lived in a world of minimal testosterone for so long that, evolutionarily, they’ve become attracted to guys who are good at video games. Accordingly, all hot Asian girls from Flushing spend their time in LAN cafes. So unless you’re fucking amazing at Counter Strike or Diablo II, don’t waste your time. If for some reason you do end up in Flushing, though, drop by this bun shop. You get can get four pork buns for a dollar, but the old Chinese woman who works there doesn’t speak any English, so you have to hold up four fingers and then point at the buns and then, for some reason, hold up one finger. I think it’s some kind of secret Chinese math.

Forest Hills


11. “The Austin,” or Kew Gardens Cinema (8105 Lefferts Boulevard)
The only place to catch indie films in Queens, Kew Gardens Cinema — “the Austin” if you’re hip (read: in denial that you live in Queens and not Manhattan or even Brooklyn) — used to be a hardcore porn theater. A few years ago, it was shut down by the city, bought by new owners, renovated and is now pretty much a smaller, shittier version of the Angelika. It’s tragic, actually.

Well, that’s it. I’m sure this report has confirmed many of your suspicions about Queens, namely that it’s boring and full of immigrants. I mean, that’s why kids from Queens are always in Brooklyn or Manhattan. But now at least if you ever end up here, you’ll know a thing or two.

Originally posted on Street Carnage.

4 Comments

  1. Good job dude, nice blog…

  2. Paulmurufas

    11.20.11 at 10:31 PM

    No doubt, approveskies

  3. Kathleen Ching

    11.21.11 at 10:37 AM

    (the chinese math makes sense to me, i must be more asian than i thought…)

  4. Glad I found this page. Thanks a lot for detailing some of the places I should hit up. I’m gonna want to check out that Kebab King place. I friggin’ love kebabs. I love your honest, brutal reviews of places. Cheers mate!

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